


Broken But Not Shattered

by CrystalShadowStar



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1, Angst, I mean it, Oblivious Avengers, Potential Triggers, Self - Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, read the tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-01-07 08:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18407174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalShadowStar/pseuds/CrystalShadowStar
Summary: 5 Times Tony Stark had suicidal thoughts and suffered alone, and one time he gave in.Tony is more broken than other people believe, but he isn’t shattered. Yet.Trigger warnings for self deprecating thoughts, suicidal thoughts/attempt, and self-harm.





	1. It begins

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is probably going to be very triggering for some people. Suicidal thoughts, slight emotional abuse and self-harm are going to be a big part of this fic.
> 
> Please don’t read if it’s triggering.

1

Tony stumbled out of his workshop, and into the elevator. He could barely hold his head up, letting it slowly drop down to his chest.

“Jarvis, common room please.” He croaked out. “And start up the coffee machine.”

“Sir, you haven’t slept in 54 hours, you should probably sleep.” Jarvis, despite technically being a machine, had worry evident in his voice. Sometimes Tony thought that Jarvis was more human than him.

“It’ll be fine, J. I’ll sleep soon.” A lie, and they both knew it.

The truth was, he just couldn’t sleep. He had to fix the avengers gear. In the last battle, a bit of shrapnel had pierced through Clint’s armor, almost hitting an organ. He was fine, but it had been too similar to Tony’s experiences for comfort, so he was working non stop to better the armor for everyone, but still have it be flexible and durable.

The elevator ride seemed to take years, and when it finally opened, he all but fell out, only to stop abruptly at the sight of the rest of the avengers laughing on the couch. Thor and Clint seemed to be taking on each other in Mario Kart, with Steve looking on from the sidelines in amusement. Bruce and Natasha were talking quietly on the other couch.

None of them even noticed that Tony had come onto the floor. He wasn’t sure why he felt a pang of longing, it wasn’t as if he deserved it. He was just there to… scratch that, Tony didn’t even even know why he was there. He was just a liability. Going to end up getting someone killed, again.

Tony made it over to the kitchen, and saw the coffee already brewed and ready. Silently thanking Jarvis, Tony grabbed the pot and turned to head back down to the lab when Steve walked into the kitchen. Steve looked at Tony for all of a second, taking in the swaying body and drooping head before giving him a dirty look.

“Jesus Tony! Are you really drunk again? I thought you gave up drinking.” Steve admonished, shaking his head.

Tony lifted his head, and managed to look Steve in the eye. “Actually, I was-”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence when Steve interrupted. “You were what? Injected somehow with some poison that makes you look like you’re drunk? Or were you magically replaced with a drunk robot? God knows you act enough like one.”

It took all of Tony’s willpower to not flinch, but when he opened his mouth no words came out.

Steve continued to rant, “You can’t keep doing this. What happens if you’re drunk and the call to assemble sounds? Are you just going to willingly put peoples lives and your teammates in danger because you can’t stay sober for more than a day?”

Tony’s gaze dropped and his breath hitched, the words striking him to the core. He gripped the pot of coffee harder, trying to stop his hands from shaking. Steve was still talking, going on about how he was a liability, useless, unworthy, and going to get people hurt.

_He’s right, isn’t he. You can’t have actually fooled yourself into thinking you were really worth something._

The little voice hissed into his head, making his resolve break more and more. Slowly, he felt his mask crack, and Tony made a decision. Holding the pot to his chest, he raced out of the room, and right back to the elevator. He heard Steve calling his name, and saw the other avengers look up at the sound of his footsteps.

The doors shut, and suddenly his world was thrown into silence. He breathed deeper, until the voice came back.

_It’s true. You know it is. You’re nothing. No one cares about you, and no one ever will._

Tony shook his head, refusing to let the voice gain control of his life. He distantly became aware of the lights of his workshop on his face, and realised that he had sunk onto his knees, and was on the floor of the elevator.

He pushed himself up, and moved over to his workbench. Placing down the coffee pot, Tony sighed.

“Sir, are you alright? Do you want me to call Ms Potts?” Jarvis asked, concern lacing his voice.

_Don’t call her. You’ll just drive her away, like everyone else. She won’t care, she can barely put up with you as it is. This will just make it worse._

“No thanks J. I’ll just finish these upgrades.”

“Sir, I must insist-”

“Mute.”

_They wouldn’t even miss you if you died._

That’s not true. Is it?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one way for me to deal with a panic attack. This is my first fic in this website, so tell me if the formatting is weird. 
> 
> Please comment, they give me life!


	2. Louder and Louder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha pays Tony a visit in the lab. It goes downhill from there.

2

  
Jarvis’ voice came loudly over Tony’s ACDC music.

“Ms Romanov is currently requesting entry into the lab.”

Tony looked up, confused as to why she was down here. He’d been working on projects for Stark Industries, trying to make up for the lack of projects due to his time spent with the avengers. It had only been about four hours, so there was really no cause for alarm. Maybe she was here just to talk?

_As if anyone would talk to you._

The thought of Natasha coming down just to talk to him made it easier to ignore the voice, and where it was once spitting and yelling, it was just an annoying buzzing in the back of his head.

“Let her in Jarvis.”

  
His music stopped, and the door opened, Natasha walking into the workshop with her full gear on. Tony’s eyes narrowed in confusion. Had she been on a mission? Was there a call to assemble he hadn’t heard? Dread began to pool in his stomach after taking a look at her face.

Natasha’s face was as blank as it always was, but her green eyes were like liquid fire. Her body was slightly tensed, as if she had come here prepared for a fight.

Tony made sure not to say anything, worried he’d accidentally say the wrong thing and she would explode at him. The silence carried on until Natasha broke it.

“Where the hell were you?”

“What?” What the hell did she mean by that? Did I miss something important?

_You always miss the important things. You’re never around when people need you, that’s why they always leave._

“Where the hell were you? We had a call to assemble, and you didn’t show up!” Natasha was visibly running out of patience, her mouth thinning rapidly.

Oh. Oh. That’s what this was about.

“I’m sorry Natasha, I-”

“You what?” She interrupted, “you have a perfectly good reason for ignoring the alarm, like you have with the last three battles?”

Last three battles, what the hell was she talking about?

Natasha continued ranting. “Because you weren’t there, Clint didn’t have anyone to cover his back, and he ended up with a shot to the leg!”

_It’s always your fault they get injured. Always._

Tony interrupted the rant. “Wait. Jarvis, what time was the call to assemble sounded?”

Jarvis responded instantly.

“The call for Captain Rogers, Ms Romanov, Dr Banner, Mr Barton and Mr Odinson to assemble was sounded at 2:54pm.”

There was a moment of silence, before Tony actually processed what had been said.

“Why wasn’t I called?”

Natasha suddenly looked even more angry, but kept her mouth shut.

“You weren’t called because shield decided that it wasn’t necessary for you to be there.” Jarvis said, his voice hiding thinly veiled dislike.

_Wasn’t needed. Are you ever actually needed? You’re just that useless._

Natasha finally lost it. “Really Stark, programming your AI to lie for you? That’s gotta be a new low. Can’t you just admit your ego got in the way? Seriously, it’s pathetic.”

_You are pathetic. You think you’re so important, but you really aren’t. Stop trying to lie to yourself. Just give up, it’ll be better for everyone involved._

Jarvis stepped in to help.

“Actually, SHIELD didn’t want him in the battle because of his consultant status. As per the last three battles, they deemed he wasn’t necessary, seeing as he was never technically apart of the avengers.”

Tony froze. The sounds reaching his ears became hollow.

_I was right, wasn’t I. You’ve never been worth anything to them. Never._

That can’t be right. I saved them! I flew a freaking nuke into the wormhole to save the whole city!

 _And why do you think they chose you to do that? You’re the expendable one, the worthless one. No one would really mourn you if you died._   _They were only doing what anyone would. Trying to get rid of you in the least messy way possible._

The words rang around in Tony’s head, and he found no actual reason to say they were wrong. They weren’t wrong.

Tony’s mouth opened and closed, but the words he needed to say got stuck in his throat, choking him up. It was just like when he was younger, facing off against his father. His brain substituted those moments for this one, and suddenly he was beginning to suffer from a panic attack.

Natasha stepped forward, making to grab his arm and drag him upstairs, when he flinched away from her. In her fury, she didn’t notice, and made another attempt.

“Ms Romanov, if you take another step closer to Sir, you will be knocked out and removed from the lab.”

Natasha stopped approaching Tony, who was clinging on to the table so he wouldn’t fall to the ground.

“There’s a reason you’re a consultant, and not a real avenger.” She muttered, turned on her heel, and left.

The door shut, and the lab became silent. Tony just stayed where he was, slowly calming down. The voice in his head was getting louder and louder, harder to ignore.

_A consultant, how could you ever forget that? It would’ve spared you the pain of always pretending you were worth something, to anyone._

It would have. But he didn’t want to stop. Surely he was worth at least something to someone?

 _Of course you aren’t,_ the voice spat, _people only ever care about your money. It’s that way it’s always been._

  
It wasn’t wrong. It had been that way for all of his life.

_It would’ve been easier if you’d just died in that wormhole. You shouldn’t be alive right now, so why don’t you set the story straight?_

Tony shook the voice from his head, trying to make it quieter, but it was still there. He was left with a nagging feeling, that the voice was getting stronger, and he wasn’t going to be able to ignore it for much longer.

If he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I have a bit of a sadistic streak. That’ll make the rest of the chapters a little interesting.


	3. Losing a battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint and Tony work on some arrows, when Steve walks in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally out! Just a warning, I cried a little while writing this...

3

Clint had just been sitting on the couch when Tony made his way to the fridge, looking for some food that was still edible. Pulling out some leftover pizza, he sat down at the counter, and started to eat while looking over designs for a Stark Industries project.

Tony was busy fixing a small bug in the latest of the Starkphone models, so he didn’t see Clint approaching until he was right next to him.

“Whatcha working on Tony?” Clint asked, making Tony jump at the closeness of the voice. He turned his head to face Clint, and shrugged.

“Just the Starkphone, there’s been a bug that keeps recurring.”

Clint nodded, and looked over the designs, not fully understanding them but finding them interesting regardless.

Tony ate a bite of his pizza, then faced Clint again.

“Did you need something birdbrain?” He asked.

Clint grinned at him. “Actually, I was wondering if you could design some new arrows. I had this idea, I’ve got the exploding arrows, but what about ones that are like a smoke bomb or give off some sort of knockout gas?”

Tony returned the grin, and opened up a new page for the projects.

“So, if we were to add the extra weight of gas, then we’d need to have it balanced right? Is there might be a way to change the weight of the gas or arrow so it isn’t to heavy or unfamiliar, but it will take a lot of testing.” Tony’s mind started racing, and his fingers flew across the pad.

Clint’s grin grew wider, and he started to chip in, and in about ten minutes, they had a fairly good design for a new arrow.

Steve had walked in at some point during the conversation, and was listening in.

“I’ve got a few projects lined up at the moment for Stark Industries, but I can get it to you in about a week?”

Clint’s reply was drowned out by a sudden outburst from Steve.

“Tony! This is a matter of Clint’s safety on the field! You can’t prioritise making money over the health and safety of your teammates!” Steve chastised.

The smile suddenly dropped off Tony’s face, and he stared at Steve.

“It’s not that big a deal Steve.” Clint said. “Just leave it.”

Tony was still silent, and the voice in his head got louder.

 _See, you’re so selfish you wouldn’t even care if a teammate died._   _Money is the only thing you care about, isn’t it._

No! It wasn’t. He cared about heaps of things, Rhodey, Pepper, the Avengers, his bots, and none of those were about money.

_Aren’t they? Didn’t you get money from all those things at one point?_

He had no response, so he turned back into the conversation.

“It doesn’t matter if you can go without them! What if there’s a call to assemble, and you don’t have the necessary equipment? It would be a disaster!”

“Tony making stuff is nice and all, but I don’t care when I get it, so long as I can get it!”

_They only want you for what you can give them, not who you are._

Tony started to open his mouth, but thought better of it. He rose from the seat, silencing the argument in progress, and moved to the door.

“Tony! Clint should have those arrows in two days, if he doesn’t we’ll have to have another talk about this.”

Tony shrugged and left the room, and got to his bathroom before collapsing on the floor.

“Jarvis, lock the door.”

Tony heard the door lock before finally giving in to the sobs that had threatened to overwhelm him since the argument had started.

His shoulders shook, and tears streamed down his face, but no sound escaped him. There was no reason to give anyone any ammunition against him in a future fight, or to deal with their pity. He didn’t need pity.

_As if you’d ever earn their pity in the first place._

Gripping the sink, Tony pulled himself up, and looked in the mirror. His face was streaked with tears, his eyes were red, and his whole face seemed pale and sunken. The happiness he had felt earlier was long forgotten.

 _Look at that face, it’s the face of a weak man_ , _someone so desperate for approval he’ll never get._   _Its the face of someone who doesn’t deserve to live._

Tony raised his fist, gave a yell of defiance and shattered the mirror.

Glass shards pooled around his feet, glittering and clinking together as the fell. His knuckles were cut and started to bleed, dripping red onto the tiles of the floor.

Tony watched with fascination as the blood dripped. He glanced down, and saw his face reflected many more times in the mirror shards, all staring up at him. He bent down and picked up one of the shards, ignoring as the edges cut into his hand.

_See how nice that blood looks running down your skin. Make it more._

Tony listened, and ran the glass over his upper arm. At first nothing happened, but after the third time he broke the skin with a hiss, and blood slowly oozed out of his skin, dripping down his arm, leaving a trail of red behind it.

_More._

The voice hissed in satisfaction as he continued cutting, relishing in the pain, making sure to keep it in places he could easily hide from everyone else, in case they tried to help him.

_They wouldn’t help you, they’d just think you’re weaker than you already are. Keep cutting._

The voice was almost joyous, like it had won, and it had. Not the war Tony was raging in his head, but the voice had just won a battle, tony had surrendered, and he didn’t see himself getting out of it anytime soon.

Maybe he shouldn’t keep trying, maybe that little voice was right.

_I’m always right. I have never been wrong. This is all you’re worth, causing pain to yourself._

Tony placed the glass shard in a drawer, still dripping with his blood, and cleaned the rest up off the floor. He straightened up and looked at his upper arms and shoulders, dripping with blood that was just beginning to clot.

Pain had never scared him, he always felt like it had been deserved, a sort of atonement for all the lives he had taken. Now, he had a new way to do it.

_Pain is the only thing you should care about. You deserve to suffer. You always have._

Tony believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to get this chapter out, schools been a bit hectic. I’ll try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible, but I don’t know when. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a battle, some things just don’t go well all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! I’m so sorry it took so long. Just a warning, this one is very angsty! Hope you enjoy it!

4.

  
It was a hard battle. The villain of the week had decided that making a heap of robot lion hybrids was a good idea, and now they were causing havoc all through New York.

They weren’t hard to destroy, there was a weak point on the leg joints that destroyed the rest of the machine, there was just _so_ _many_ of them.

The Hulk was taking care of a lot of the bots on the ground, and Thor was sorting out the ones in the air, so Tony decided to find the source to stop them.

“Jarvis, find the generator.”

Before Jarvis could answer, Clint’s voice came crackling over the comms.

“Tony, Hulk’s turning back into Banner!”

 _Crap_. That wasn’t possible unless he had calmed down, and mid battle that didn’t seem very likely. He turned his thrusters, and shot through the sky, a streak of red and gold.

_Don’t fail. You don’t want another person to be hurt because of you._

He ignored the voice in favour of racing towards Bruce, but seeing him made him hover mid air, trying to figure out how best to go about it.

Bruce was surrounded by lions, and the villain, in an energy dome, that seemed to be crackling with lightning. The villain had injected him with something that had turned the Hulk back to human.

“Jarvis, what would that electricity do to something that passes through it?”

He was already running through the numbers in his head, calculating if he could make it through alive.

_Why live through it? Isn’t it better to die in action?_

“The object would be destroyed. Sir, if you are thinking about passing through it, the suit’s power would need to be at least 300% capacity. I would not advise it.” Jarvis’ robotic tone sounded concerned, and with good reason.

A memory suddenly burst into Tony’s mind. Thor hitting him with a lightning bolt, the suit charging up to 400% capacity. An idea formed into his mind.

Without hesitation, Tony called to Thor over the comms.

“Hey, point break, I need you to hit me with a lightning blast.”

Thor’s voice replied instantly, sounding very confused. “Why would I do that Stark? Wouldn’t that kill you?”

“No, it should charge up the suit, so I can go get Bruce. He’s inside electricity, and he’s still unconscious.”

“If it is electricity surrounding Banner, I can destroy it myself!”

Thor started running towards Bruce, and Tony realised what was about to happen. If Thor hit the dome with lightning, it would overcharge, and fry everything inside it.

Giving it no more thought, Tony rushed in front of the lightning blast coming from Mjolnir. It hit him squarely in the arc reactor, and he gasped at he felt the electricity coursing through his body.

Ignoring Thor’s protests over the comms, he dove straight for the dome. Crashing through it, the electricity began to overload him. He sent a short blast of power to the villain, and grabbed Bruce just as he began to stir.

Slowly the rest of the avengers started to overcome the robot lions, and Tony dropped Bruce on a rooftop. His faceplate flipped up.

_You lived? Why didn’t you die?_

“Hey big guy, how you feeling?” He asked.

Bruce groaned, but replied. “Like I’ve been tossed around like a rag doll, but I’ll be fine.”

Tony nodded. “Great, cause I gotta go take out the generator.”

With that, he shot back into the sky, with still some power left over, and found the generator quickly. He shot it with the unibeam, watching as it powered down quickly.

The rest of the robots fell, and he heard Cap’s voice over the comms.

“Good work team. Meet in the tower conference room for a debriefing in half an hour.”

After picking up Bruce and dropping him off at the tower, he climbed out of the suit. He was bruised and battered from the fight, but nothing drastic.

He headed to the debriefing room, and with surprise saw he was the first one there. He took a seat, and ignored the slight pain near his lungs as a bruise from the fight.

As the rest of the avengers trickled in, and took their seats, he saw Thor looking at him strangely.

Cap started talking going over mistakes and things they’d be going over in training sessions.

“Is there anything I missed? Anything we need to go over?”

Thor nodded, and began to speak.

“Why did Man of Iron jump in front of my electricity beam when I was trying to free Banner? He placed himself and Banner both in great risk.”

Everyone stared at Tony, and he began to explain.

“If my suit was charged up with the power from Thor’s lightning I could break through the electrical barrier and get Bruce.”

They were still watching him, Thor with confusion, but Steve, Natasha and Clint all looked at him hot varying stages of rage on their faces.

Clint spoke up first. “You purposely took the way that would place both you and Bruce at risk? For what?”

“You can’t play the hero every time. You should have let Thor free Banned and destroyed the generator! You can’t put others lives on the line just so you can be in the spotlight!”

  
Tony was shocked. He truly was. They didn’t even let him finish the explanation before starting to yell at him! He was about to respond, but then he heard Natasha.

“Do you always let your ego dictate your every move? You can’t play with people’s lives! If it was just you, we wouldn’t care, but you out Bruce in harms way too!”

They were still ranting, but Tony stopped hearing.

 _We_   _wouldn’t care. See what they think of you. They’re not mad because you put your life on the line, but because you put their friend’s life on the line._

I am their friend.

_Are you? Do they treat the rest of the team like this?_

He had no response, and he didn’t need one because he became aware of Clint yelling in his face.

“Stark? Stark! Are you even listening right now?”

“Yeah, I am- it- I- ughhh—” Tony tried to reply, but he began choking, and a searing pain in his chest made itself known.

“Nothing to say? Can’t lie your way out of this one.” Natasha’s words cut deep, deeper than the pain carving out his chest at the moment.

He got up, gasping for breath, and tried to move forward, but Thor blocked his path.

“We are are not done yet Stark. You cannot leave.”

“I- arc reactor- lab- can’t- breathe.”

None of them seemed to hear him, or if they did they ignored him, because he was pushed back into the chair. Despite this, he managed to fight his way past, and stumble out the door.

He made it down the hallway, and collapsed into the elevator, it automatically going down to his lab thanks to Jarvis. Once there, he grabbed the spare arc reactor he always kept in case of emergencies, and replaced it.

His chest still hurt, but at least he could breathe better now.

“Jarvis, black out mode.”

Jarvis complied, and the lab went dark.

_That was close to dying, wasn’t it? Didn’t it feel nice?_

He ignored it, and focused on trying to breathe, and figure out what went wrong with the reactor.

He saw sparks flying off it, and almost facepalmed. Electricity overload. What would have happened to Bruce if he let Thor hit the dome with his lightning. The thing the rest of the team got mad at him for.

_Why wouldn’t they get mad at you. You know you deserve it. You deserve nothing but pain._

It wasn’t wrong. He’d caused so much suffering, that all he could do was make up for it with his own pain.

Tony shook his head. He was maybe cutting his skin open, and maybe he liked the pain, the slight sting that lingered, but he didn’t need to kill himself. He was helping more people alive than dead.

_Are you? What was the death count for today?_

He didn’t know. He hadn’t checked. He wasn’t sure he wanted to.

_So much blood on your hands. So many lives. What’s one more? And after that you can’t directly cause another death._

It was a good point. But not one he was ready to accept.

_Why not? You knew you were dying earlier, we both knew it, and yet you didn’t even panic. You wanted it._

That wasn’t true. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live, to help people.

 _You can’t lie to me. I_ am _you._

That was true. The voice was him, in a way. Maybe it was just doing what was best for him.

_I am. Take it out. It’ll all be over. No more pain, or more heartbreak, no more hatred._

He placed his hand over the arc reactor, and slowly extracted it.

He couldn’t breathe, and he could feel his heart about to stop. The darkness was so welcoming. It opened its arms, and he opened his.

He wondered what it would be like. Would there be a heaven? Would there be a hell? Was there anything at all. Maybe it was just black nothingness, and he could float in piece forever. Maybe that’s all death was.

That word hit him hard. _Death_. What was he doing!

He shoved the arc reactor in his chest, gasping as he could breathe again. He got a glimpse of himself in the metal workbench, and saw his pale face, blood shot eyes and sweaty hair.

_Take it back out! Let yourself die!_

He climbed to his feet, and walked to the door so he could shower.

Tony knew he had almost committed suicide. He’d thought he had it under control, but maybe he didn’t. The thought he couldn’t control himself scared him more than anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after so long, here it is. I am so sorry it took so long, but thank you for not giving up on me. I can’t promise when the next one will be, but it will be out eventually. 
> 
> Since the fic will be drawing to a close soon, I will be taking prompts. My tumblr URL is fandom-took-my-social-life. Send me any request you have, and I’ll try to write it.
> 
> Thankyou so much for reading, and leave me a review if you liked it, they really motivate me!


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